Mom & Dad,
Sorry na ganito ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano gusto kong gawin sa aking buhay. Sometimes, I even think that it would have been better if I hadn’t existed in the first place. I am too shy to ask you both for anything for what you have given me is more than I could have ever asked. I don’t want to impose myself to you, to make things harder for you guys. But by doing nothing for these last years I have done exactly that and for that I am deeply ashamed. Every night I try my best to psych myself up to go out and find any job that would suit me even a little, but feelings and thoughts of inadequacy slowly creep in. “What if I screw up?” “What if the job they want done is not is not what I think I can do?” “Why am I the one they should hire when I can’t even answer that?”
Lately I’ve been thinking if I should just finish my thesis. But then I know that the programming that is I would need is far more advanced that whatever they taught us and what I do know has slowly been eroding. But then I think “what if this is just a cop out?” What if I just want this to further prolong my need to find a job? That should I even do finish it nothing will still happen? I loved studying IT even though I didn’t choose it. If you were to ask me what I would have wanted to study I still can’t give you an answer. Maybe I should have studied cooking? Photography? Film?
Honestly the only reason I want to find a job is so that I can support you guys. I don’t know what I want with my life. I’m not interested in travelling or having a family. If possible, I want to do something that would benefit people, not in a ways to help further bottomline. Something that would make the world a in better place than when I came in. I think that sounds too grandiose for me. So I just settled to something simpler: Making you guys happy. I don’t know how I can bring this about. I know you want me to succeed in life but that’s too abstract and I don’t really want or need success. To make you guys, the ones who brought me in this world, happy would make me truly happy. The things you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, the love you have given, and the sacrifices you’ve made. I can never repay these things.
Sometimes I think I should just leave para hindi na ako pahirap, di na pabigat. That I am a useless human being with no greater purpose. What’s one less person in the world in the grand scheme of things? But that would hurt the people around me. I would be a selfish thing to do, to cause immeasurable pain and suffering to those who love me. But I do sometimes wish that I didn’t exist. Void, no thoughts or consciousness, no feelings… That’s why I love playing games. They give you a clear goal and they make me forget, even for a while, all that ills this world. Which is also why sometimes I can’t sleep as I need to. I try to look for something to read or watch or play to fight these dark thoughts. Something to distract me.
I can never say these words out loud. Should I try I feel the ones who can hear are judging me. That my thoughts are trivial or stupid. Which is why I try to look for all the answers in Google. But a lot of the times their answers come up short. I can’t even find out what the minimum wage is.
I really do love you guys, and I really want dad to come home. When I think of the happiest time we all had together I don’t think of time we went out, I think of the Sundays we stay in. Yung bibili ako ng fried chicken at kung ano pang ulam dun sa may Syquia. Yung papabilhin ako ni daddy ng choc-nut kasi trip lang nya. What I would give just to relive those times. I really don’t know how I should end this so I just will.