7th of March 2017

Mom & Dad,

Sorry na ganito ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano gusto kong gawin sa aking buhay. Sometimes, I even think that it would have been better if I hadn’t existed in the first place. I am too shy to ask you both for anything for what you have given me is more than I could have ever asked. I don’t want to impose myself to you, to make things harder for you guys. But by doing nothing for these last years I have done exactly that and for that I am deeply ashamed. Every night I try my best to psych myself up to go out and find any job that would suit me even a little, but feelings and thoughts of inadequacy slowly creep in. “What if I screw up?” “What if the job they want done is not is not what I think I can do?” “Why am I the one they should hire when I can’t even answer that?”

Lately I’ve been thinking if I should just finish my thesis. But then I know that the programming that is I would need is far more advanced that whatever they taught us and what I do know has slowly been eroding. But then I think “what if this is just a cop out?” What if I just want this to further prolong my need to find a job? That should I even do finish it nothing will still happen? I loved studying IT even though I didn’t choose it. If you were to ask me what I would have wanted to study I still can’t give you an answer. Maybe I should have studied cooking? Photography? Film?

Honestly the only reason I want to find a job is so that I can support you guys. I don’t know what I want with my life. I’m not interested in travelling or having a family. If possible, I want to do something that would benefit people, not in a ways to help further bottomline. Something that would make the world a in better place than when I came in. I think that sounds too grandiose for me. So I just settled to something simpler: Making you guys happy. I don’t know how I can bring this about. I know you want me to succeed in life but that’s too abstract and I don’t really want or need success. To make you guys, the ones who brought me in this world, happy would make me truly happy. The things you have given me, the lessons you have taught me, the love you have given, and the sacrifices you’ve made. I can never repay these things.

Sometimes I think I should just leave para hindi na ako pahirap, di na pabigat. That I am a useless human being with no greater purpose. What’s one less person in the world in the grand scheme of things? But that would hurt the people around me. I would be a selfish thing to do, to cause immeasurable pain and suffering to those who love me. But I do sometimes wish that I didn’t exist. Void, no thoughts or consciousness, no feelings… That’s why I love playing games. They give you a clear goal and they make me forget, even for a while, all that ills this world. Which is also why sometimes I can’t sleep as I need to. I try to look for something to read or watch or play to fight these dark thoughts. Something to distract me.

I can never say these words out loud. Should I try I feel the ones who can hear are judging me. That my thoughts are trivial or stupid. Which is why I try to look for all the answers in Google. But a lot of the times their answers come up short. I can’t even find out what the minimum wage is.

I really do love you guys, and I really want dad to come home. When I think of the happiest time we all had together I don’t think of time we went out, I think of the Sundays we stay in. Yung bibili ako ng fried chicken at kung ano pang ulam dun sa may Syquia. Yung papabilhin ako ni daddy ng choc-nut kasi trip lang nya. What I would give just to relive those times. I really don’t know how I should end this so I just will.

-oua

26th of April 2017

Hi Dad,

 

I hope you are feeling well. I write this letter because I want you to know how much you mean to me. You are, to me, the greatest person in the world. No one can even compare. You willingly went away from us to support us. That was 10 years ago. Now you have all these health problems and we’re not there to support you. I know you’re tired and I know you want to come home because we all want you to come home. And I can understand why you need to stay there for your health. I don’t want you to give up. Because Mom and Sam are coming there. While it may not be all of us, while I am not coming no matter how much I want to, I accept it because it’s better than nothing, right?

Right now, you and your well being are the only thing on my mind.

25th of March 2017

I don’t need gifts or money. I have material wants but I’d gladly never have them if it means that we’d be together with you. I don’t need anything but you here with us or us there with you. I know these have been hard on everybody but especially for you. To put you at ease and make you happy is all I really want. For all the hard work and sacrifice you’ve done, I thank you. I truly do. I wish I could be as good of a person you are. You are my idol. Should I ever have a family, I’d strive everyday to follow the example you have set. I know you might not ever come back home because of your health, but knowing that truly devastated me, but I know it’s for the best. I hope that whatever Mom and Tita Emer are doing goes through so that Mom can be with you. Maybe even Sam. It may not be how we all wanted it but at least there’s that.

24th of April 2017

I should make it a habit to write more. Put my thoughts on to something, even if it is digital, and not just bottled up in my head where it festers. Since I last wrote, the bad thoughts are still there, but have generally only popped up whenever I’m idle. Having a job has, I think, helped. Keeps my mind occupied. Whilst I know that it is a pointless and not that fulfilling of a job. It pays and helps with my mental health. How long I will be at this job? I don’t know, but I have made it a goal to work as hard as I can. The money is trivial. While it is nice to have money I can, for the most part, freely spend, it can all go to my mother for all I care. My mother can spend that money in whatever way she wants. I’ll probably just save the money that doesn’t get spent.

Recently, plans have changed. Before it was get my dad home. But his current condition would only make it hard for us in the long run no matter how much we want him home. Mom and Sam will go visit him and mom will probably stay there. So that’s 2 of my parent in the US. And then me and my brother would got visit them. Should all that come to fruition, I am tempted to stay with them or at least be near them. But I love my dog and cannot think of ever leaving her. I promised her that I’ll always be there for her, to take care of her. So I am torn between my parents, who’ve always been there for us, and Fen, who is a integral part of my life, someone I can confide in, no matter what secret, a source of happiness and joy without which I may have given in to those dark and terrible thoughts. She is my anchor.

 

16th of June 2017

I push myself to work. I have no interest in money but i do have to admit that having the power to purchase what you want whenever you want is a nice boon. I work because i know that it is for the best of my mental health to not be locked up inside, alone with my thoughts. If I were to think of what depression would feel I think what I feel is depression. I have no real purpose. No real drive to push me. No goal. I want to have a goal. Long term or short, doesn’t matter.

 

I know in the grand scheme of things, nothing we really do matters. We give ourselves purpose. I want to have that. I want to find something I’m passionate about. Something i would give my all. I have no idea how to find that. No idea where to start. All i want is to keep those dark thought of worthlessness away.

I took a sick day today. Not that im sick. Its just that i got tires of constantly pushing myselfto go to work. I fell like im dragging my feet every night. Its a good job. Easy enough. No real stress. Its just so mundane. So boring.